


Exit, Stage Right

by LinneaKou



Category: Avengers: Earth's Mightiest Heroes, Justice League & Justice League Unlimited (Cartoons), Twilight Series - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Fusion, Anti-Twilight, Gen, Humor, Spite!fic, Vampires
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-03
Updated: 2012-11-03
Packaged: 2017-11-17 15:58:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 603
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/553316
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LinneaKou/pseuds/LinneaKou
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What happens when the richest superheroes in the world encounter the Cullens?</p><p>(AKA a spitefic I wrote because BLACK CREDIT CARD.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Exit, Stage Right

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted [here](http://das-sporking.livejournal.com/313094.html?thread=7945734#t7945734) at das-sporking @ Livejournal. Cleaned it up a bit. Pure crack, just needed to get out a drabble to get back into writing stuff.
> 
> WARNING: This is considered a mildly ANTI-TWILIGHT spitefic. If you don't like it when people criticize or make fun of the Twilight characters, click away from this screen!

"Oh, god. Oh god, Brucie, hide me. Hide me fast."  
  
Bruce Wayne jerked in surprise as fellow billionaire superhero Tony Stark ducked behind him, nursing a full flute of champagne that he'd probably snagged off of a passing server on his way. "Stark, what the hell--"  
  
"Shush, Brucie! It's  _Them_!"  
  
Bruce actually felt his heart skip a beat. He knew that tone. "Oh, good grief."  
  
"Quick!" Janet Van Dyne scuttled behind him, too. "Distract them! Throw a shiny ball! Something! Make them go away - I cannot bear to be cornered by that little mall rat of a girl anymore!"  
  
"Shove off, Jan. I got here first."  
  
"No. I won't stand another evening dealing with those... rich bastards!"  
  
Bruce coughed. "You two do know that  _we_  technically fit that description."  
  
Tony snorted. "C'mon, Brucie, we all know that they're dirty. Mafia, or something."  
  
Bruce sighed, conceding. "I'm leaning towards inside trading, myself."  
  
Jan whimpered. "Oh god, the little one's looking right this way. Bruce, do something!"  
  
"Yeah, whip out your Batarang or one of your other doohickeys!"  
  
Bruce rolled his eyes. "Really, Stark?"  
  
"This is a life-or-death emergency! I will not deal with the goddamn Cullen family for the rest of the night. I need at least three more hours of straight vodka for that."  
  
"Steve would kick your ass."  
  
"Hence the hiding."  
  
Bruce snorted again, but once again, he saw where Tony and Jan were coming from. The two New York socialites had been invited for a society function-slash-fundraiser event in Seattle, as had he. And ever since the last unmarried Cullen kid had gotten hitched, the creepy family had been going out in Seattle society a lot more as of late. Bruce believed it had to do with the latest addition's love of the spotlight.  
  
Jan, of course, was always cornered by Alice Cullen, wannabe fashionista that the jailbait-looking girl was. Apparently - according to the talk that was circulating - Carlisle and Esme had sent the girl off to Paris for her degree in fashion and design. She was probably looking to "talk shop" with Jan. Bruce would bet every cent he had to his name that most of that "talk" would be the Cullen girl explaining to Jan why her designs were un-mode and unflattering and other "lofty" words that were all basically disguised insults. Van Dyne designs were simply divine... if the female members of the JLA were to be believed, and Bruce trusted Diana and Barbara's opinions on clothes a hell of a lot more than he did that of the Cullen girl.  
  
Tony, on the other hand, was always cornered by Alice's boyfriend... wait, they'd gotten married. Husband. And for some reason, that annoying, repulsive Edward always tagged along. Pepper Potts had rescued Tony the last few times that his path had crossed with that of the Cullens, but Pepper wasn't at this function - she was in New York, handling SI business.  
  
And Bruce certainly wasn't looking forward to the inevitable moment when Carlisle and Esme finally caught him. The two of them were bland, boring, and an evening of conversation with them took every ounce of training and acting skill Bruce possessed to survive.  
  
"You know what, this party blows." Tony downed his champagne in one gulp and dropped it on a passing server's platter. "I say we head back to my place in Malibu and do a Monty Python marathon until the sun comes up."  
  
"Great idea," Jan agreed frantically.  
  
Bruce surveyed the hall one more time and, catching sight of the unnaturally pale skin and the artfully-tossed hair and those inhumanly golden eyes, nodded. "I'll drive."

**Author's Note:**

> I am not a fan of Twilight. Can you tell?


End file.
